Sunday, March 26, 2017

Game Company Redesigns Chess

Last week, "Hasbro Gaming" redesigned Monopoly in order to get some free publicity. They added a T-Rex, a penguin, and a rubber ducky.

This caused us at Sports Mogul to think: "Hey, we
could use some free publicityare good at redesigning games!"

So, as a public service to the world, we've decided to bring the game of chess into the 21st century. With the help of the internet.

Step 1. We asked the internet to name their least favorite chess piece. The results:

Rank Least Favorite Piece Votes Percent
11 The Knight 652,510 3.16%
10 The "Horsie" 998,602 4.50%
9 The Rook 1,257,993 6.65%
8 The Unicorn 1,400,590 7.98%
7 The Pawn 2,042,532 9.66%
6 Ringo 2,272,338 10.91%
5 Charmander 2,654,760 12.10%
4 The Queen 2,996,974 14.10%
3 The King 3,110,278 17.09%
2 Fluttershy 4,110,707 22.56%
1 The Bishop 4,169,452 22.70%

A lot of people didn't understand the question. Apparently, the internet is filled with morons. You learn something new every day.

First, I am pleased with how popular the knight is. The knight could easily beat Jeb Bush in 2016.

Second, we found that 12% of the internet loves the bishop "because it looks like a penis". However, 19% of the internet is "creeped out" by the bishop "because it looks like a penis".

So, the bishop is gone.

Step 2: We asked the internet what to replace the bishop with. Results:

Rank New Chess Piece Votes Percent
10 Chloe Kardashian 1,266 0.03%
9 Justin Bieber 988,551 4.60%
8 Anything "invented by a mom" 1,021,080 5.65%
7 Nate Silver 1,678,915 8.81%
6 Ru Paul 3,042,532 15.46%
5 Colonel Meow 3,054,746 15.80%
4 Snow Penis 3,092,263 15.98%
3 Grumpy Cat 4,334,509 19.12%
2 George Takei 4,450,891 20.03%
1 소녀시대 (Girls Generation) 4,696,530 22.70%

I love the fact that we are essentially done with the Kardashians (Kim didn't even make the list). Yay for the internet!

We did have to disqualify Girls Generation, because they are a 9-member K-Pop band and we only have 2 bishops to replace. We could replace all the pawns with Girls Generation, but then we would have to leave out Seohyun, and she's my favorite (and the voice of Edith in the Korean version of Despicable Me). Also, pawns are more popular than Charmander, so they aren't going anywhere.

Because the bishop was removed for its "penis-ness", we can't replace the bishop with a "snow penis", whatever that is. And if we add a cat, Hasbro will sue us for copying them.

So, we're removing the bishops because they look too much like penises. And replacing them with George Takei and Ru Paul. Irony?

Editor: Nate Silver predicted that Nate Silver would capture 8.67% of the electorate. Nate Silver was only off by about 20,000 votes.

Finally, "moving diagonally" is pretty boring in a world where 31% of our games involve killing zombies with rocket-propelled grenades. So:

Step 3: We asked the internet what "special power" we should give the new piece. Results:

Rank "Special Power" For New Piece Votes Percent
8 SEO (Search Engine Optimization) 565,991 2.69%
7 "Purchase Vigara Levtira Cilias  --65% off! " 958,761 3.58%
6 Ban plastic water bottles 1,057,105 6.05%
5 "Remove Moles and Skin Tags Whilst You Sleep!" 1,340,901 6.98%
4 Repeal the 16th Amendment 2,140,018 9.23%
3 Petition the federal government to build a Death Star 2,422,982 10.11%
2 "Look great naked!" 2,766,339 11.89%
1 Impeach Obama (aka "Socialist Hitler") 12,415,007 44.10%

It's official. Another big win for President Obama! Even Karl Rove won't contest these results.

So, after 14 centuries, chess gets its first major makeover. The bishops have been officially replaced with George Takei and Ru Paul.

George Takei still moves diagonally (he certainly can't go straight), and he also has the power to impeach "Socialist Hitler" (as long as Hitler appears in the guise of a black man from Hawaii).

Ru Paul sits on the other side of the queen (that's pretty confusing) and has the ability to "Look great naked!" (but we knew that already, right?)

In other news, Baseball Mogul 2017 will be available in 2 weeks! More info soon.


SCL_Bluesky said...

Thanks Clay...chess revisited is highly amusing. It will be hard to explain the new pieces to my 2nd grader who likes chess, but will do my best. Live long and prosper...

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