This caused us at Sports Mogul to think: "Hey, we
So, as a public service to the world, we've decided to bring the game of chess into the 21st century. With the help of the internet.
Step 1. We asked the internet to name their least favorite chess piece. The results:
|Rank||Least Favorite Piece||Votes||Percent|
A lot of people didn't understand the question. Apparently, the internet is filled with morons. You learn something new every day.
First, I am pleased with how popular the knight is. The knight could easily beat Jeb Bush in 2016.
Second, we found that 12% of the internet loves the bishop "because it looks like a penis". However, 19% of the internet is "creeped out" by the bishop "because it looks like a penis".
So, the bishop is gone.
Step 2: We asked the internet what to replace the bishop with. Results:
|Rank||New Chess Piece||Votes||Percent|
|8||Anything "invented by a mom"||1,021,080||5.65%|
|1||소녀시대 (Girls Generation)||4,696,530||22.70%|
I love the fact that we are essentially done with the Kardashians (Kim didn't even make the list). Yay for the internet!
We did have to disqualify Girls Generation, because they are a 9-member K-Pop band and we only have 2 bishops to replace. We could replace all the pawns with Girls Generation, but then we would have to leave out Seohyun, and she's my favorite (and the voice of Edith in the Korean version of Despicable Me). Also, pawns are more popular than Charmander, so they aren't going anywhere. (By the way, if you think everyone in Girls Generation looks alike, you are a racist).
Because the bishop was removed for its "penis-ness", we can't replace the bishop with a "snow penis", whatever that is. And if we add a cat, any cat, Hasbro will sue us.
So, we're removing the bishops because they look too much like penises. And replacing them with George Takei and Ru Paul. Irony?
Editor: Nate Silver predicted that Nate Silver would capture 8.67% of the electorate. Nate Silver was only off by about 20,000 votes.
Finally, "moving diagonally" is pretty boring in a world where 31% of our games involve killing zombies with rocket-propelled grenades. So:
Step 3: We asked the internet what "special power" we should give the new piece. Results:
|Rank||"Special Power" For New Piece||Votes||Percent|
|8||SEO (Search Engine Optimization)||565,991||2.69%|
|7||"Purchase Vigara Levtira Cilias --65% off! "||958,761||3.58%|
|6||Ban plastic water bottles||1,057,105||6.05%|
|5||"Remove Moles and Skin Tags Whilst You Sleep!"||1,340,901||6.98%|
|4||Repeal the 16th Amendment||2,140,018||9.23%|
|3||Petition the federal government to build a Death Star||2,422,982||10.11%|
|2||"Look great naked!"||2,766,339||11.89%|
|1||Impeach Obama (aka "Socialist Hitler")||12,415,007||44.10%|
It's official. Another big win for President Obama! Even Karl Rove won't contest these results.
So, after 14 centuries, chess gets its first major makeover. The bishops have been officially replaced with George Takei and Ru Paul.
George Takei still moves diagonally (he certainly can't go straight), and he also has the power to impeach "Socialist Hitler" (as long as Hitler appears in the guise of a black man from Hawaii).
Ru Paul sits on the other side of the queen (that's pretty confusing) and has the ability to "Look great naked!" (but we knew that already, right?)
In other news, Baseball Mogul 2014 will be available in 6 weeks! More info soon.